


The Memories, Oh, They Cut Like Knives, Deep Inside

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Mummy Wanted a Girl [4]
Category: Cabin Pressure, Sherlock (TV), Skyfall (2012) - Fandom
Genre: I don't know, Martin is a Holmes, Q is a Holmes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-10-24
Updated: 2014-11-06
Packaged: 2018-02-22 10:18:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2504249
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The years change, the books change, but the stories seem to stay the same. Q reads. Unable to stop himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Diaries

**Author's Note:**

> At this point, I believe this story is the 'fixing things' story for Hello, Death, My Old Friend, and So Long. We Wish You Well. 
> 
> That might, and probably will change. Oops.  
> Chapter Title: If You Can't Live Without Me, Why Aren't You Dead Yet? by Mayday Parade.

Q frowns at the diaries the Double-Oh’s have dumped on his desk. There are twenty one in total, found in 008, 009, and 004’s lockers, hidden behind fake backs. Q recognizes the black books, and it doesn’t escape him that the books had been found in his brothers’ old lockers. He sighs and picks up one of the diaries and opens it up, a lot of the pages are soaked through with blood, but that’s not what catches Q’s attention. His breath hitches at the familiar symbols he sees on the paper. Automatically translating them as he reads. The years change, the books change, but the stories seem to stay the same. Q reads. Unable to stop himself.


	2. 1992

**_January 8 th 1992, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_It is cold in Moscow. Fucking freezing. Ten’s chatting up a warm body at the hotel bar, lucky him. The radiator in this stupid suite is broken so it looks like it is scratchy blankets and layers of clothing to keep me from freezing to death tonight. Why do Eight and Five get to enjoy Fiji? The bastards._

**_January 9 th, 1992, Moscow, 4am._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I fucking hate Russia! Ten’s warm body turned out to be an informant. I got woken up at two by the sound of guns firing and someone yelling my name. Took a bullet to the leg, it’ll heal, don’t think I’ll be doing much walking for the rest of this mission though. Pissed we didn’t grab the vodka on our way out of the hotel. The pain is exquisite. Ten, the absolute berk, managed to walk away without a scratch._

_Bastard._

**_January 21 st, 1992, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_The change in temperature is glorious. Still bloody cold, but I don’t feel like I’m going to be freezing to death any time soon. Mummy is fussing, even though my leg is healing well. Daddy is a bit put out I didn’t bring him any alcohol home. He’ll survive, Sherlock will probably just steal it from him for experiments anyway. I don’t think Lysander is old enough to understand what it is I do. Sherlock, Sherrinford, Mummy, and Daddy all look so relieved when I come home, but Lysander just smiles and asks why I never tell him I’ll be away so long._

_There is an innocence to that boy that his elder brother’s never had the luxury of keeping past infancy. Lord have mercy on the soul of the one who destroys it._

**_February 4 th, 1992, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Back in Moscow. Great. Just. Wonderful._

_Least this time Eight is with me. I suppose. At least she knows not to get roped in by warm bodies._

**_February 6 th, 1992, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Maybe there’s a god above, but all I’ve ever learned from love, is how to shoot somebody who outdrew you. And it’s not a cry that you hear at night. It’s not somebody who has seen the light. It’s a cold and it’s a broken hallelujah._

**_February 8 th, 1992, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I need a drink. I need a drink. I need a drink. I need a drink._

_I need to find Eight._

**_February 10 th, 1992, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_The mission is a bust. I can’t find Eight. I’m ordered home._

**_February 12 th, 1992, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I found Eight. Thank God, I found Eight._

**_February 14 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Mummy’s fussing again. I try to tell her it’s only a broken heart, nothing to worry about. She fusses still._

_I need a drink._

**_February 18 th, 1992, Norway._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Could be worse. Could be Russia again. God, I fucking hate Russia!_

_007 has been tasked with keeping an eye on me. M, bless her, thinks I might be compromised._

_I let my emotions get in the way, they won’t have another chance._

**_February 19 th, 1992, Norway._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Seven and I have always gotten along well. She’s very good at her job. I couldn’t ask for a better partner._

**_February 21 st, 1992, Norway._ **

_Dear diary,_

_We were set up._

_We were fucking set up._

_I’m going to find the mole, and I’m going to fucking destroy them!_

_Seven deserved better than that!_

**_February 28 th, 1992, Norway._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I have a name, Seven. I got a name. I’ll avenge you. I promise. I promise._

**_March 2 nd, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I took care of the bastard, Seven. He’s gone. He won’t hurt anyone else. I promise._

_I need a drink._

**_March 3 rd, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Lysander is a gift from God. I’m sorry you didn’t get to meet him. I told him about you. I promised I would, didn’t I? He said he’s going to make that umbrella you were talking about. The one with the hidden blade. I want to doubt him, he’s eight, he shouldn’t be building weapons. But I know better._

_I wish you could have met him._

**_March 15 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Your replacement is an arsehole. M thinks he won’t make it very long. I’m inclined to agree. It makes you question why she gave him his license._

**_May 19 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Sherlock is still very much the devil I told you he was. I’m sorry I haven’t written you in a long time. Sherlock stole my diary. I’m just thankful he didn’t dissolve it in acid like he did with last year’s one._

**_May 20 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I think Lysander is starting to understand that my job is dangerous. That I might not come home._

_How can you forgive yourself for being the cause of the darkness slowly destroying the spark of innocence in your little brother’s eyes? He had so much trust. So much faith._

_I am destroying him._

**_July 7 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I’m definitely going to have to lock my diary away from Sherlock. Goddammit._

**_July 8 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_M’s sending me to Norway._

**_July 10 th, 1992, Norway._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Wish you were here._

**_August 5 th, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I’m sorry, I’ve been too sick to write._

_I’m fine now. I promise._

**_October 1 st, 1992, Japan._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I just want to go home._

_Eight’s blood is all over my hands and I can’t…_

_We can’t spare the water to wash it away._

_Is she with you now, Seven? Please take care of her._

_I miss you both so much._

**_October 21 st, 1992, Japan._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I’m going home._

_Please look after Five._

_I need a drink._

**_November 1 st, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I’ve finally stopped shaking. Thank God._

_I wish Mummy would stop fussing._

**_December 25 th, 1992, America._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Merry Christmas._

**_December 31 st, 1992, England._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Happy New Year._

_I miss you so much._

Q’s breath stutters and his chest aches. As he closes the diary, he has to restrain himself from grabbing his phone and calling his brother. He takes a deep breath and grabs the second of Mycroft’s diaries. It is blood soaked just like the first. And written in the same code.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, that is Hallelujah in the February 6th entry. No I don't own it.


	3. 1993

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm finally giving the boys birthdays. I realize this is probably going to throw their ages out a little bit, but oh wells.

**_January 1 st, 1993, England. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_1993 is cold, bleak, and looks disgustingly a lot like 1992._

_You’re still not here._

_I still miss you._

_I think I’m going to dislike 1993._

**_April 15 th, 1993, Moscow. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Fucking Moscow! Why do I keep agreeing to come back here? Dammit!_

_Nine and I are pretending to be dead. I’m fucking invalidated. Apparently blood loss is a serious thing when you’re shot in the gut. I hate Russia. I really hate Russia._

_I need a drink! God, I need a fucking drink! I need a drink so fucking badly._

_We’re in Russia! Why can’t I have a fucking drink?!_

**_April 17 th, 1993, Moscow. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Getting shot and losing a lot of blood makes you really, really, really tired._

_I miss you._

**_April 20 th, 1993, Moscow. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_My family thinks I’m dead. How- I-_

_Watch over them, Seven, please._

**_April 28 th, 1993, Moscow._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I think I’m going to go mad before I heal enough to be of any use to Nine._

**_May, 20 th, 1993, Denmark._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Very disorientating going to sleep in one country and waking up in another._

_I think Nine is getting restless._

**_May 21 st, 1993, Denmark._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Nine has finally agreed to let me help him, as long as I’m careful._

**_June 5 th, 1993, Norway._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I miss you._

**_June 6 th, 1993, Norway._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I miss you so much._

_Nine won’t let me disappear into a bottle._

_I hate Nine._

**_June 9 th, 1993, Sweden._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I just want to go home. I hope my family is keeping you busy._

**_August 8 th, 1993, Moscow. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Somehow I always end up back here. Sorry I haven’t written, Nine and I got captured. We’re fine now, a few more scars to add to our collection, but we survived._

**_August 31, 1993, America._ **

_Dear Eight,_

_I miss you._

_I’m sorry I couldn’t save you._

**_October 18 th, 1993, Wales. _ **

_Dear Five,_

_It should have been me._

**_October 24 th, 1993, Scotland._ **

_Dear Sherlock and Sherrinford,_

_Happy birthday._

**_October 31 th, 1993, America._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I hate Halloween._

**_November 5 th, 1993, London. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I’m so close. I’m so…_

_I want to see my family._

_I want to see my brothers._

_I miss them so much._

**_November 10 th, 1993, Canada._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I need a drink._

**_December 25 th, 1993, Brazil. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Merry Christmas._

**_December 31 st, 1993, Brazil. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Happy New Year._

_Still wish you were here._

Q closes the book and wipes away his tears. He needs to call Mycroft. He needs to call his brother.

He picks up the third book and starts reading.


	4. 1994

**_January 1 st, 1994, France. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_1994 looks even worse than 1993._

_You’re still not here._

_I’m still MIA._

_I hate this._

**_February 21 st, 1994, Italy._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I’m sorry._

_I miss you._

**_March 16 th, 1994, China. _ **

_Dear Lysander,_

_Happy birthday._

_I’m sorry I’m missing out on your life. Please stay safe._

**_May 5 th, 1994, who cares? _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_What is the point?_

_There’s so many targets to eliminate._

_And then we have to eliminate the mole at MI6._

_What life will I have to return to when we are done?_

_This could take years._

_I just want to go home._

**_May 8 th, 1994, Venezuela._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I wish you were here. You always knew what to say._

**_June 5 th, 1994, Spain. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Nine and I are stumbling our way through a relationship._

_We’re not good at this._

_We need this._

**_August 7 th, 1994, Germany. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I don’t know what I’m doing anymore._

_Who am I?_

_Am I even still Mycroft Holmes?_

_Am I just 004?_

_I wish you were here._

_You’d know._

**_August 15 th, 1994, Moscow._ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I have no words. I just… how do I keep ending up fucking here?!_

_God. Dammit._

**_August 31 st, 1994, England._ **

_Dear Eight,_

_I hope you’re keeping Five and Seven safe._

_Maybe I’ll be joining you soon._

_Who goddamn knows anymore?_

**_October 18 th, 1994, Amsterdam. _ **

_Dear Five,_

_I wish you’d let me take that bullet for you. I can’t even tell you how your daughter is. I don’t even know how my brothers are._

_God, I’m so sorry._

**_October 24 th, 1994, England. _ **

_Dear Sherlock and Sherrinford._

_Happy birthday._

_I miss you. Please be good for Mummy and Daddy._

**_November 3 rd, 1994, America. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Still alive._

**_November 15 th, 1994, Thailand. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Crossed paths with Five’s replacement. She’s alright. Taking a message back to M for us._

_I want to go home._

**_December 25 th, 1994, Greenland. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Merry Christmas._

**_December 31 st, 1994, Greenland. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_Happy New Year._

Q taps out a quick text message to Mycroft. He clicks send before he can think better of it, and picks up the next book.

_I’m sorry.  
-Q_


	5. 1995

**_January 1 st, 1995, Greenland. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I’m letting Seven go. She deserves her rest._

_Plus, Nine thinks I’m going a little bit mad, so…_

**_January 8 th, 1995, Ukraine. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Nine thinks we’ll be able to go home soon. I hope he’s right. I need to see my family again._

**_January 18 th, 1995, Poland._ **

_Dear diary,_

_You’d think I’d be used to bleeding out by now, but no, apparently it’s an experience that never grows old._

_Very frustrating._

**_January 25 th, 1995, Israel. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I hope we go home soon. Nine and I are ready to tear each other apart. We both know our relationship will not last. We need each other in the nights, but that’s all this is. A relationship of convenience._

**_February 23 rd, 1995, America._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I want summer._

**_March 16 th, 1995, America. _ **

_Dear Lysander,_

_Happy birthday, little brother! You’ll be eleven now._

_I really hope to be home soon, I’m sorry I’ve missed so much. Nine and I think we’re in the home stretch now._

**_March 28 th, 1995, America. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_We’re going home. We’re going home. We’ve eliminated all the targets, and Five eliminated the mole. We’re going home._

_We’re going home. I can’t believe it._

**_March 29 th, 1995, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Sherlock has deleted me. I don’t know why this hurts so much, I probably would have done the same. He promises to rebuild the key._

_Lysander made a compass that always points home. He made Seven’s umbrella. I don’t think Mummy or Daddy know about his weapons building._

_Sherrinford won’t talk to me._

_It hurts to breathe._

_I’ve come home, but home does not really seem to want me._

**_April 1 st, 1995, Wales. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I talked M into sending me on a mission. I can’t handle the situation at home at the moment. Sherrinford won’t listen to me, won’t talk to me, and refuses to even acknowledge me. Sherlock is having trouble finding his memories of me. Mummy and Daddy are overjoyed that I have returned, and so is Lysander, but nothing is the same._

**_April 19 th, 1995, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I’ve moved out of the family estate, finally. The pain hurts too much._

**_June 5 th, 1995, America._ **

_Dear diary,_

_007 is dead. Personally, I am surprised he survived as long as he did. His replacement is good, but I fear she will not last long either._

**_July 3 rd, 1995, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Nine is dead._

_After everything._

_I can’t save anyone, can I?_

**_July 15 th, 1995, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Yes, I’m shocked too._

**_August 5 th, 1995, Norway. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_The new 009 is not what I thought he’d be._

_Still, he’s good at what he does, that’s for sure._

**_August 11 th, 1995, Norway. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Still not used to bleeding out. Go figure._

**_August 15 th, 1995, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Lysander is sick. Mummy is worried. I’m sure little Ly will pull through. He’s stronger than people give him credit for._

**_October 1 st, 1995, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Lysander is still sick. He will pull through._

**_November 3 rd, 1995, England._ **

_Lysander is healthy again. I knew he would be._

**_November 15 th, 1995, Poland. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Ten is dead._

_All my friends are dying._

_I can’t save them._

_Why can’t I save them?_

**_November 19 th, 1995, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Lysander is ill again._

**_December 25 th, 1995, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Spending Christmas at the hospital is unusual, and that says a lot._

**_December 31 st, 1995, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Lysander is home from the hospital. It is a New Year’s miracle._

_Happy New Year, diary._

Before Q can pick up the next diary, he notices the blinking light on his phone, which indicates a text message. His hands shake as he checks the message thread, surprised to see four messages.

_Are you alright?  
-MH_

_Call me.  
-MH_

_Lysander.  
-MH_

_If you don’t answer me_   
_in five minutes, I’m going_   
_to Q-branch!!_   
_-MH_

Q fights against a giggle that tries desperately to escape him. He feels giddy, he’s missed Mycroft’s overprotectiveness.

_I’m fine. Sorry for worrying_   
_you. Work is stressful right_   
_now. I’m sorry._   
_-Q_

He puts the phone down and grabs the next diary.


	6. 1996

**_January 1 st, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Sherlock is a nuisance. He’s remembered some things about me, but there is still a void between us that I can’t cross. I don’t think we’ll ever mend our relationship._

_Sherrinford’s New Year’s Resolution was forgiveness. He’s talking to me again._

_Mummy is spending her time fussing over Lysander. Little brother is being a devil, for all that he’s still recovering._

**_January 15 th, 1996, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I think I might end up murdering Two. She is vexing. Nothing is serious to her. She’s been a Double-Oh for longer than I, so maybe this is just how we turn out if we survive long enough?_

_A worrying thought._

**_January 16 th, 1996, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I misjudged Two. She cares about her partners. I see why she has survived as long as she has._

**_February 5 th, 1996, Moscow._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Don’t even get me started._

**_March 16 th, 1996, Moscow. _ **

_Happy Birthday, Lysander. Apologies for missing your birthday again. I’ll be home soon, I promise._

**_March 29 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_If I never have to see snow again, it’ll still be too soon._

**_April 13 th, 1996, Albania. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I may be a little bit drunk. I think? Maybe? I don’t know? Whoops. I’ll buy Three more alcohol later. Tired._

**_April 14 th, 1996, Albania. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I apologize for yesterday. I remember now why I no longer drink on missions. Three is being an arsehole. She knows I have a hangover from hell. If she deliberately gets us involved in a gunfight, I’ll kill her!_

**_April 16 th, 1996, Albania. _ **

_Dear Three,_

_Payback is a bitch, is it not, my dear?_

**_April 18 th, 1996, Albania. Midday. _ **

_Dear England,_

_I miss you terribly. Three and I have entered into a horrible war of wit and cunning and I do not see us both making it out alive. Especially if Three doesn’t notice the tripwire I set up on the door to our room this morning…_

_More on this later._

**_April 18 th, 1996, Albania. Evening. _ **

_Dear England,_

_Blast. Three is smarter than I thought._

**_April 19 th, 1996, Albania. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_We spotted our target at the hotel bar this evening. A temporary truce has been initiated._

**_April 20 th, 1996, Albania. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Note: Drowning is not at all enjoyable._

**_April 23 rd, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Home again._

_I think Three has booby-trapped my flat._

_It’s on._

**_April 27 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I may have moved in together. Am uncertain at this current moment in time._

_More on this later._

**_April 29 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_It is official. Three and I are flatting. She has a frustrating habit of changing her name on a daily basis. She was Agatha yesterday, today she is Anthea, and tomorrow she says she will be Annabelle. I have decided I am simply going to call her Three._

**_June 5 th, 1996, America._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Am going to have to clear the entire flat when I return. Three does not have another mission until the eighth. Frustrating._

_She will not be the death of me._

**_June 10 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three only left a few traps for me to trip. I’m leaving them up. The bucket over the door trick is amusing, the knife trap in the kitchen is a bit harsh, but easily avoided._

**_August 5 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I have taken to leaving notes to each other saying little things like ‘we need milk’ or ‘your mother called. She thinks you’re on vacation in Hawaii’ or simply ‘having family over on (x) need to disable traps’. It’s very… domestic. It’s nice._

**_August 10 th, 1996, France_ ** _._

_Dear diary,_

_I think M thinks I need some sort of vacation. I have been here three days and I haven’t had to shoot anyone yet._

**_August 11 th, 1996, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Ignore yesterday’s entry._

**_August 14 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I are moving. We’ve brought a nice big house in London. It’s a fixer upper, but that suits us just fine. No doubt we’ll pack it so full of secret rooms and booby traps it would be the perfect safe house, if it wasn’t where we would permanently reside._

**_August 15 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_The house is beautiful. It’s a two story, eight bedroom house, both stories are self-contained, but we’ve decided to share upstairs. Downstairs is going to be turned into a… confidence course of a sort._

**_August 25 th, 1996, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I are enjoying a very relaxing meal in the Eiffel Tower. I don’t think this is what M had in mind when she sent us to assist Ten and Eight, but well, those two have got things covered._

**_September 7 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear Three,_

_Happy birthday. Your mother called. She thinks you’re on a business trip in America. Please bring me back a bottle of something, our alcohol stash is running low._

**_September 8 th, 1996, Moscow._ **

_Dear Three,_

_Never mind. I’ll bring the alcohol back myself._

**_September 19 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three has redecorated the upstairs area. Her interior design skills are interesting. But then, so are mine. We have to navigate a minefield just to get to upstairs, so…_

**_September 25 th, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Mummy thinks Three and I are dating._

_We’re not. That would be like trying to date one of my brothers. Three is the little sister I never had._

_This is amusing though._

**_October 3 rd, 1996, Germany. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I am very bored. Nine keeps asking me for stories on Three. I think he likes her. Pity he’s not Three’s type._

**_October 16 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three is recovering from a botched mission in Brazil. She’ll be fine once the tremors abate. M’s designated me Three’s carer. I’m not complaining._

**_October 24 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Sherlock and Sherrinford turned 18 today. They’ve applied at MI6. M told me a few weeks ago that if they applied, she’d accept. I don’t want this life for them._

**_October 30 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Sherlock and Sherrinford are field agents. They’re very skilled. I know they’ll break the rules like I did, and be given their licenses to kill in little under two years. That’s just how we are._

**_November 3 rd, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three is recovering well. I’m being kicked out of the house and sent back to work. Apparently I was hovering._

_I wasn’t._

**_November 8 th, 1996, Ireland. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I have so missed Ireland._

**_November 14 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Mummy is annoyed with all the traps. Not that she has any trouble navigating them, she’d just prefer they not be there._

_Three thinks it is hilarious._

**_November 24 th, 1996, Moscow. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Looks like I am back here again. That’s okay, we were running low on alcohol again anyway._

_I think Three and I drink too much._

**_December 5 th, 1996, Australia._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Summer is lovely! If a little hot._

_Alright, maybe a lot hot._

_Okay, possibly I look like a lobster._

_And moving hurts._

_But, oh my God, the warmth!_

_I am melting, and I don’t know if it is good or bad._

**_December 10 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I did not spend the last ten minutes crying about being back in London. No._

_I miss summer._

**_December 25 th, 1996, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I are spending Christmas together. It’s nice, our families think we are in America and Italy respectively, clearly we’re not._

**_December 31 st, 1996, England. _ **

_Dear diary._

_Happy New Year’s!_

_Three and I are off to get horribly pissed._

_Ciao!_

Q snickers and shakes his head as he closes the diary. His phone blinks at him and scoops it up.

_Is there anything I can_   
_do to help?_   
_-MH_

_If you’re contacting me,_   
_things must be harrowing._   
_-MH_

Q smiles and shakes his head, quickly tapping out a message before moving to the next book.

_No, it’s alright. Things are_   
_better now. I think. How’s_   
_A?_   
_-Q_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why, yes, dear readers. Three IS Not!Anthea.
> 
> Also, I think I made 1996 a good year for Mycroft, because it was the year I was born. Oops!!


	7. 1997

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bold text without italics is Sherlock, in case I didn't make that clear enough. 
> 
> This one is longer than the others, I think? Not entirely sure.
> 
> Baby branch is for the agents either still in training or in training to be Double-Oh's. Renegade branch is for the retired agents, Double-Oh or otherwise.

**_January 1 st, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear M,_

_It is 3 in the morning. I am still smashed! Why do you hate me?!_

_I don’t want to go to Ukraine right now! I don’t want to!_

_I hate you._

**_January 1 st, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear Five,_

_If you think I won’t kill you just because you’re the messenger, you’re wrong!_

**_January 2 nd, 1997, 40,000 feet above the ocean. _ **

_Dear Q,_

_Challenge is most definitely accepted._

_Unlike some, I CAN use chopsticks._

_Though, if you decide to only give me chopsticks and a remarkably normal pen next time around, I’ll show you just one of many ways you can kill someone with chopsticks! I promise you!_

**_January 8 th, 1997, Ukraine. _ **

_Dear Q,_

_I am afraid I can’t return any of the equipment you lent me. My apologies._

**_January 9 th, 1997, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I am going to sleep for days._

**_January 14 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three is back._

_Apparently she didn’t enjoy being sent off on a mission while completely drunk either. Who would have thought?_

**_February 9 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I think I’m getting sick of the legwork. This is interesting._

**_February 15 th, 1997, Brazil. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I think M is playing some stupid joke on me._

**Mycroft, why are you writing a diary?!?! We’re on a mission!**

_Apologies, diary, Sherlock hijacked you for a moment. I saved you before he could dissolve you in acid._

_Idiot boy._

**_February 16 th, 1997, Brazil. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_WHAT WAS M THINKING?!_

_I can’t believe she’d be so stupid as to assign ME to watch over Sherlock on a mission! He’s my BROTHER._

_God, I hate M’s stupid little games._

**_February 18 th, 1997, Brazil. _ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**I’m sorry I didn’t listen to you. I should have. You are the senior agent. You know better. I’m sorry.**

**Please wake up.**

**_February 19 th, 1997, Brazil._ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**I promise I’ll not disobey you again. Just wake up.**

**_February 22 th, 1997, Brazil. _ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**If you wake up and I’m not here, don’t worry. I’ve gone to retrieve the Intel. I’ll be back soon. I promise. Then we can go home.**

**_February 24 th, 1997, Brazil._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I’m going to murder my brother. When I find him._

_Then I’m going to berate M. When we return home._

_It was a stupid idea to send Sherlock with me._

_I do hope Three is having better luck with Sherrinford!_

**_February 28 th, 1997, Brazil._ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_You are impossible!!_

_Thank you for surviving._

_Thank you. Thank you. Thank you._

**_March 5 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_It would appear Three had about as much luck with Sherrinford as I had with Sherlock. Though, Three didn’t spend six days unconscious, so I suppose she got the better end of the deal. Lucky girl._

**_March 16 th, 1997, America. _ **

_Dear Lysander,_

_Happy birthday, little brother._

_I promise I’ll be at your birthday next year. I promise._

_… I can’t promise Sherrinford will be there though…_

**_March 18 th, 1997, America. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_If M sends me out with either of my brothers again I might have to murder her._

**_March 19 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I’m home._

_With Sherrinford._

_Hallelujah._

**_April 18 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear Three,_

_We’re out of alcohol again. Please bring home something good._

**_April 20 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear Three,_

_I approve of the bottle of Craig. Good choice._

**_May 7 th, 1997, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Am so very disappointed Three couldn’t accompany me on this mission._

_Am so very glad my brothers couldn’t accompany me either._

_Phew._

**_May 8 th, 1997, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Ran into Six. We shared a little bit of gossip and went our separate ways._

_Word from the Grapevine is that Ten and Five are dating._

_Interesting._

**_May 10 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_The other Double-Oh’s and I who are back at home base have taken to indulging in the age old tradition of paintball. It’s a nice way to test ourselves against each other, and it’s a perfect way to discover any flaws in our technique._

_Two has sneakily managed to convince M to hold an annual Inter Branch Paintball War. As a branch, we’re at a disadvantage as we have fifteen team members against branches with over double that. We’re at an even greater disadvantage as all fifteen of us are never at home base at the same time._

_Still, we’re Double-Oh’s, we’ll make do with what we have, because that is what we do._

**_May 11 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_M has set the date for the battle to be the 7 th of June, with the actual war beginning five days before that with sabotage and trickery. _

_I am excited._

**_May 19 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_We’re working out the rules for the game, and how it’s going to play out. So far we’ve decided to have elimination between the sixteen branches willing to participate. Willing branches are A, B, C, D, E, F, H, M, N, P, Q, S, T, Red, Med, and Double Oh branches._

**_May 25 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_We’re playing Elimination: No Rest for the Weary. Elimination to wipe out teams until we have an obvious victorious branch. And No Rest for the Weary to make it interesting, since those on the winning teams considered ‘dead’ from a previous round are ‘dead’ until the war is won. A slight disadvantage for us, but we’ll pull through._

**_May 26 th, 1997, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_We’ve had the hat draw to see who is facing who in the first round. We’re facing Q-Branch._

_Things are going to get interesting since C-branch (catering) is facing off against F-branch (finance) so it’s likely F will cut C’s funding and C will respond by going on strike for the week, resulting in the entirety of HQ having to provide their own food and caffeinated drinks. Joy of joys. This would be helpful to us though, since Q-branch lives off caffeine…_

_Amusingly, B (Baby) and Red (Renegade) branches are facing off against each other. Sherlock and Sherrinford are in for a surprise. Though, I’m uncertain which agents from Red have agreed to play, they might have an even bigger disadvantage than the Double-Oh’s._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ. 2am. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_The war has begun. Two is acting as Lead today since One is on a mission in Iraq. Three, Five, Eight, Ten, Thirteen, Fourteen, and I are all accounted for and currently prepping in the Double-Oh locker room. Each of the branches in MI6 is operating under a skeleton crew, perfect time to go about getting information._

_The only rule of the game is ‘No permanent physical damage’ and we are going to abuse that, since some forms of torture don’t leave physical scars…_

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ. 5am._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee._

_Coffee. Coffee. Coffee. Coffee._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ. 6am. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Next year I think M might include ‘the building must still be standing’ in the list of rules. A (Architecture) and E (Explosives) are facing off against each other and vandalising each other’s branches in ways only they can._

_C and F still have yet to stir._

_M-branch are all unconscious in their offices. Thanks be to Medical._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ, 8am. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Nap time. We’re taking things in shifts now. Three, Five, and Eight are with me, with Three being the Lead in matters not requiring Two’s presence. Two, Ten, Thirteen, and Fourteen are on the alternate shift. We’ve pulled the first sleep round._

_Glorious._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ. 5pm. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I have awoken to an MI6 I do not recognize. Q-Branch has sealed its doors, with all hands accounted for. The doors are going to remain sealed until the Battle begins. M-branch has stirred, and M is taking her considerable wrath out on not only Medical but the entire building as well. Joy of joys._

_C and F have finally begun digs at each other, C has gone on strike, and we’re on our own for food now. Two and her team have fortified the Locker Room, it shows how much we trust them that none of us woke up with all the racket that must have been going on._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ. 8pm._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Q-branch is bloody sneaky!! They’ve confiscated every branches paintball guns because technically the paintball guns are weapons, and all weapons have to be vetted by Q-branch. Frustrating._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ. 11pm_ ** _._

_Dear diary,_

_Swapping positions with Six, she’s returned from the field, and I’m being assigned to Australia._

**_June 2 nd, 1997, HQ, 11pm._ **

_Dear Q,_

_Next time you give me a stick of gum, a sticky-note, and a pair of tweezers as mission gear, I’m going to call in my favour from E._

_You won’t like it if I get E involved._

**_June 3 rd, 1997, 30,000 feet above the ocean. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Tired. Missing the war._

**_June 4 th, 1997, Australia. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Australia in the winter is not as fun as Australia in the summer._

_Still get burnt though._

**_June 5 th, 1997, Australia. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Someone killed my target._

**_June 5 th, 1997, Australia. _ **

_Dear Other Assassin,_

_Thank you mysterious and as yet unknown person. But also, couldn’t you have done this like three days ago? When I was still in England? I mean, really._

_Now I’m going to be getting back just in time for the battle._

_Dammit._

**_June 6 th, 1997, 30,000 feet above the ocean._ **

_Dear diary,_

_You would think by this point I’d be used to airplane food._

_I’m not._

_It’s still as god-awful as Hospital food._

_Disgusting._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 9am. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_HQ is a fucking mess. There is paint everywhere. And I do mean everywhere. I managed to get into the Double-Oh locker room without being hit, and I’ve gotten myself a gun. Things are insane._

_P (Psych) branch lost to N (Negotiations) branch. N are relaxing in their branch waiting for the war between A and E to conclude and reveal who N will be facing. M has effectively eliminated Medical, but have taken heavy hits from that, they’re recovering in the M branch and waiting for the revelation of their next enemy as B and Red are still, very surprisingly, engaged in a gunfight. F branch surrendered to C at 6am this morning. D (Deep Cover) cleared T (Training staff) out ten minutes ago, I watched the showdown on my way to the Locker. S (Security) and H (Pilots) are still facing off against each other. And Q branch is still going strong. Five, Ten, and Fourteen have been eliminated. I’m going into the fray._

_Wish me luck._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. Midday. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_E beat A. Red beat B. S beat H. We beat Q. Round one is over. E and N are shooting up the lower levels. Q’s spent the last hour crying into the comm not to go anywhere near Memorial Hall. Red and M are shooting up the corridors leading to M branch. S and D are playing a waiting game in C branch. C is about ten minutes away from surrendering to us. Victory will be ours._

_We lost Thirteen at the end of the last round. Two, Three, Six, Eight, and I are all that’s left now._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 3pm._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Something’s happened. A ceasefire has been called and the Heads of Branches have convened in Q-branch._

_We know nothing._

_As far as the war is concerned. We’ve been relaxing in the Locker room waiting to discover who of S and D we’ll be facing. M branch lost to Red about two hours ago. N and E have been quiet for over an hour now, Three’s been getting twitchy._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 4pm. _ **

_Dear Fifteen,_

_There are no words._

_I’ll miss you._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 4:30pm. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_M has decided to let the game continue. She thinks it will help._

_It just might._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 5pm. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_E beat N._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 6pm. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_D beat S. Round two is over. Round three is starting in five minutes._

_Everyone is tense._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 8pm. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_D-branch has surrendered. D says too many of his people are being sent down to Medical instead of being sent back to branch._

_We might be taking our anger out on the wrong people._

_We’ve lost Six, and Eight. It’s just Three, Two, and I now._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 8:30pm. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_E has lost to Red. The final round begins in ten minutes._

**_June 7 th, 1997, HQ. 11:48pm. _ **

_Dear Red,_

_Thank you._

_You gave us quite a match. We needed it._

_Thank you for not going easy on us. For treating this like a proper battle out in the field. We really needed that._

_Thank you for taking Three out when she let her emotions cloud her judgement. She won’t make the same mistake again, either here or out in the field._

_Thank you._

**_June 8 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_The paintball battle was good for us. We lost an agent in the field yesterday. We will mourn him, but his loss will not destroy us._

**_June 15 th, 1997, Albania. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I are protection detail for M while she endures a very boring meeting with some Albanian Agency._

_Fun._

**_July 18 th, 1997, Albania._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Nothing is ever simple, is it?_

_Still not at all used to blood loss._

**_July 20 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I do wish people would stop moving me while unconscious. It is very disorientating._

**_August 8 th, 1997, New Zealand. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Have had to adopt a New Zealand accent. Apparently New Zealanders adore ‘British accents’, it would seem it does not matter which ‘British accent’ they encounter. I contemplated using an American accent, but that would bring attention to myself, not many Americans here, it would seem. I also contemplated the Australian accent, but where the ‘British accent’ brings love and attention, the Australian accent brings exasperation and annoyance. Interesting._

**_August 9 th, 1997, New Zealand._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I quite like it here. Quiet. Comfortable._

**_August 10 th, 1997, New Zealand. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Intel acquired. Time to return home._

_I must buy a house here someday._

**_August 18 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_The pens keep mysteriously disappearing from our house. Three swears it is not her stealing them, but it is certainly not me._

**_August 25 th, 1997, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I are enjoying a lovely meal in the Eiffel Tower again. I am certain M will stop sending us to Paris together at some stage._

**_September 7 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear Three,_

_Happy birthday. I hope you are enjoying Tahiti._

**_October 10 th, 1997, England. _ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**You still haven’t found your diary yet? I am amazed.**

**When are you coming home?**

**_October 16 th, 1997, India. _ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**Okay, I admit, the fact I’ve taken the diary with me to India will hinder your attempts to find it.**

**Still.**

**_October 24 th, 1997, India._ **

**Dear Sherrinford,**

**Happy birthday, dear brother. I hope your mission is less tedious than mine.**

**_October 30 th, 1997, England. _ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**You can have your diary back. I’m sorry for taking it.**

**_November 5 th, 1997, England._ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**You should have been home weeks ago. Where are you?**

**_November 11 th, 1997, England. _ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**Stop it. This isn’t funny.**

**_November 28 th, 1997, Serbia._ **

**Dear Mycroft,**

**Sherrinford and I are coming for you.**

**You’ll be okay.**

**_December 13 th, 1997, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I have been gone a long time, haven’t I, dear diary? Apologies. I was… otherwise engaged._

_Sherlock won’t leave me alone. Apparently I need to eat, even if I’m not hungry, and even if the thought of food turns my stomach. Three seems to agree with him._

_I don’t want to eat._

_The price for eating is too high._

**_December 15 th, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_My brothers have been awarded their licenses to kill. I always knew they would be given them, I just didn’t expect to be the cause._

**_December 20 th, 1997, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Mummy says I need to start eating properly again. She says I’m just skin and bones._

_I don’t mind being just skin and bones._

**_December 21 st, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_M won’t let me back into the field until I look like I eat a healthy diet._

_I don’t want to eat._

**_December 25 th, 1997, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Lysander has been tasked with getting me to eat. He’s surprisingly efficient at it. I don’t want him to worry about me._

**_December 31 st, 1997, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Happy New Year’s._

_I think._

Q sucks in a breath as he closes the diary, he hugs it to his chest. His phone flashes at him and he scrambles to pick it up with one hand while his other holds the diary tight.

 _Are you sure things are_  
 _alright?_    
 _-MH_

_A is fine, Q. Why do you_   
_ask? she's going by_   
_Ariana today._   
_-MH_

Q takes a deep breath in and lets it out slowly. He repeats the process a few more times before he calmly sets the diary down and types out a reply. 

_I'm sure things are alright._   
_I'm the only one who can do_   
_this anyway. No one else can_   
_crack the code._   
_-Q_

_That's good. I was just_   
_wondering. She's good for_   
_you. Some day she is going_   
_to run out of A names._   
_-Q_

He clutches the phone in his hand as he picks up the next diary and starts reading. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadness to make up for the okayness that was 1996. Whoops.


	8. 1998

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'They’ll only hurt you, Q.  
> I promise.  
> -MH'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apologies for absence, am currently doing exams, and also my brother just turned 21 so had to get his 21st party out of the way. Phew.

**_January 1 st, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and Sherlock are on assignment in Prague… I guess I should start calling Sherlock by his designation now, hmm?_

**_January 2 nd, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Nine, Eight, and Five were killed when I was… away. Ten is… handling the loss as well as can be expected. Things are rough in the Locker room, from what Two tells me, but she’s confident everyone will pull through._

_My brothers replaced Eight and Nine. Fifteen’s replacement is, well, he’s got some things he needs to work through. Five’s replacement is alright, from what I’ve heard._

_One’s organizing a team building week. I think at this point we might need it._

**_January 4 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Eating is still a chore._

_I haven’t slept through the night in a long time._

_I drink too much._

_I’ve taken up smoking._

_I’m not coping._

**_January 6 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Lysander made me another Umbrella. I still have the other one, Seven’s bladed one. But this new one conceals a gun. It is a work of art._

_Lysander says he’s going to be Q one day. I can see it._

_I don’t want to see it._

**_January 10 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I feel so useless._

**_February 23 rd, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three has taken time off. She says I’m not coping and she needs to be here for me._

_I don’t deserve a friend like Three._

**_March 16 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear Lysander,_

_Happy birthday. I told you I’d be here for it._

**_March 25 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_M’s offered me transfer to the Government. I’d keep Double-Oh status but I’d lose my number designation. I’d just be 00. I wouldn’t have to go out into the field, and I’d be answerable only to M’s superiors._

_I think I’m going to take it._

**_April 3 rd, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three has been given permission from M to go with me if I accept the transfer to the Government. She’d be my protection, since I’d become one of the most important men in Britain._

**_April 6 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I am no longer 004. I am 00. I am a… Consulting Politician, shall we say?_

_Three says I’m the British Government now, I think she might be right._

**_April 7 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I have SEVEN offices. Seven. Who needs seven offices?! Me, apparently. And those are just the offices in Britain!_

_Seven offices._

**_April 9 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three still changes her name on a daily basis. It continues to amuse me._

_She is Anariel today._

**_April 10 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_The other Double-Oh’s and I have set up a club here in London. We’ve called it the Diogenes. It has a very strict rule of silence which must be observed unless in one of the offices or in the Stranger’s Room._

_There is a secret doorway that leads down to London’s old catacombs. If you follow the correct path through the catacombs you can make it secretly into MI6. It’s very hard to follow the correct path, even Sh-Eight struggles to recall the correct route._

_Oh, I also have another office. I think this one is my favourite?_

**_April 11 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three has fired my assistant and assumed the role herself. This could be interesting._

**_April 15 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three is a surprisingly good personal assistant._

**_April 24 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Politicians are idiots._

_Enough said._

**_May 8 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_M informs me that I may participate in this year’s Paintball War with the Double-Oh’s._

_I just might._

**_May 9 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_M has not replaced me. She will not tell me why._

_I think she hopes I’ll take the position back some day._

_I’ve requested the continued use of 004’s locker until she finds a replacement._

_M has agreed._

**_May 15 th, 1998, America. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Private jets are nice. Why didn’t I get one sooner? Hmm._

**_May 24 th, 1998, HQ. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Whatever issues there were in the Double-Oh branch at the start of the year, they’ve been ironed out._

_We’re doing a Capture the Flag game this year instead of elimination for the Paintball War._

**_May 25 th, 1998, HQ. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I’ve been assigned Lead for the Branch. Apparently not having a designation number means I get to be in charge. Goody._

**_May 27 th, 1998, HQ._ **

_Dear diary,_

_The other Heads of Branches and I played a series of games to decide who was facing who. The Double-Oh’s are facing M branch this year. This will be fun. We won’t know where we’re playing until cars arrive to take us to the battlefield on the day._

_We’ve decided to stagger the days for each battle, since it would mean only two branches are out of the building at a time, instead of sixteen._

**_June 3 rd, 1998, HQ. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Q is dead. Many of Q-branch are in critical condition, including R._

_We’re investigating how someone managed to get a bomb into Q-branch._

_The paintball war has been cancelled, and Red and D-branches have been called back from the battlefield._

**_June 5 th, 1998, HQ. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_R is expected to make a full recovery. He’s been promoted._

**_June 7 th, 1998, HQ. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I think One is having a conniption. M’s assigned her to the bombing mission with my brothers. Unlucky for One._

**_July 8 th, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and I are once more enjoying a meal in the Eiffel Tower._

_Three’s making me eat._

**_July 9 th, 1998, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I rather like France._

_Also, Three has found a beau._

_I may have to kidnap him._

**_July 12 th, 1998, France. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I like Three’s beau, and I am allowed to continue calling him that since, amusingly, his name is Abeau._

_He and I get on very well._

**_July 14 th, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I do not understand Three’s fascination with names. She can’t find a name that suits her so she changes names on a daily basis, her colleague and pseudo employer’s name is ‘Mycroft Ebenezer Leland’, and her partner’s name is ‘Abeau’ a rare variation of ‘Abel’. Honestly._

**_July 19 th, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I am not sure why we haven’t been called home to England yet, but, whatever the reason, it saves me a lot of hassle. I have never seen Three as happy as she is now. Abeau cannot return with us to England at this time so soon Three is going to have to say goodbye._

_To be honest, I don’t see their relationship ending._

**_August 1 st, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Still in France._

_I’ve stopped asking questions._

_Abeau and Three are getting along swell._

**_August 4 th, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Have finally been called home. Glorious._

_Three is pining. It’s quite… well, it’s something._

_Might have to pull some strings so we may return for her birthday in a month…_

**_August 23 rd, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three’s pining is almost unbearable! I’ve sent her to a weeklong conference I had no wish to attend._

_Neither Sherlock nor Sherrinford are home. Lysander is attempting to convince Mummy to send him away to College early. She would, of course, he_ is _ready, but she’s not. Lysander is the last chick still in the nest and Mummy wants to hold on to him for as long as she can. MI6 won’t even come calling for dear little Ly until he’s 21, courtesy of Mummy pulling strings, I’m sure._

**_September 7 th, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three and Abeau are sickeningly adorable._

**_September 8 th, 1998, France. 4am. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_I do nice things for people and end up being woken at 4am. What is this?_

_Also, Three and Abeau are engaged. I am sure I will be overjoyed for them later, when it is not 4am in the morning, and when I am not feeling more inclined to skin them alive._

**_September 8 th, 1998, France. 10am. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_It seems the only thing that has changed since 4am, is that it is no longer 4am. Interesting._

**_September 9 th, 1998, France._ **

_Dear diary,_

_The urge to murder Three and her beau has finally abated. I am very happy for them._

_Three is not pleased that she will need to have a legal name to put down._

_I have suggested ‘A’._

_Abeau suggested ‘Three’._

_Did I mention I like Abeau?_

**_September 14 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Our phone bill is going to be incredible._

**_September 14 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear Three,_

_Please desist being on the phone with Abeau for over five hours at a time._

_Anyone would think we have nothing better to do with our time._

**_September 16 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_I think Three and Abeau are going to end up eloping._

_Neither of them want a big wedding._

**_September 17 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Have informed Three that I don’t care if she elopes, as long as she takes me with her._

**_September 23 rd, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Three getting engaged to Abeau was not a good idea._

_Mummy wants me to get married._

_No._

_Nooo._

_No._

**_October 3 rd, 1998, Australia._ **

_Dear diary,_

_So we meet again._

_Do your worst._

**_October 5 th, 1998, Australia. _ **

_Dear diary,_

_Ouch._

**_October 6 th, 1998, New Zealand._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Most definitely still ouch._

**_October 7 th, 1998, New Zealand._ **

_Dear diary,_

_One day I will tan without burning. One day. But it is not this day._

_Someday I will also tan without peeling, but alas, that is also not this day._

_Curse you, Sunlight, you win yet another round!_

**_October 15 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear diary,_

_Mummy is still going on about the marriage thing._

_Must fake marriage._

**_October 24 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear Sherrinford,_

_Happy birthday. How is Russia?_

_Probably cold._

_Very cold._

**_October 24 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_How is Bosnia and Herzegovina? Personally have not been._

_Bring back souvenirs._

**_November 6 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I should have said ‘bring back yourself’, for the all the good it would have done. Who knows? Maybe you’d have listened to me for once._

_I’m sorry. I’m sorry. This is my fault. You shouldn’t even have been made a Double Oh, you’re too young! You’re too…_

_Fuck._

_I need a smoke._

_I need a drink._

_I need…_

_Fuck. I’m not saying goodbye to Eight again. I’m not doing it. I’m not fucking doing it!_

**_November 7 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear Seven,_

_I know I haven’t spoken to you in… a long time. I know I said I was letting you go to your rest, but I just…_

_Look after Sherlock! Please! He’s…_

_Just look after him._

**_November 8 th, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I don’t think I’ve ever seen Mummy cry this much. Did she cry like this when I was gone? When I was dead? When I was missing?_

**_November 9 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_It hurts._

_I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I can’t. There is an ache in my chest, it’s like there is a weight pushing and pushing down, crushing, but when I look there is nothing there._

_When I breathe, there’s this… this stabbing pain in my chest, like someone has taken a knife and run me through. It hurts so much I claw at my chest, desperate to pull the blade out, but there is nothing there._

_Like you. Your absence aches and there is nothing I can do to make it go away. I don’t want to fill the space, Sherlock, I just wish it would go away._

_Like, I think I hear you sometimes. I think I can hear you playing your violin at 3 in the morning, and I want to tell you to stop playing because I’m trying to sleep, but at the same time, I want to tell you to never stop playing because I’ve missed it. But when I get to your room, it is empty. There is no one there. There is no noise but the tick of your clock on the wall, and I remember you are gone._

_I think I see you sometimes. I think I can see you running through the house, and I want to tell you to stop running because you’ll break one of Mummy’s vases, but I want to tell you to never stop running because Mummy hates those vases anyway. But when I run after you, you vanish around a corner and there’s no one there by the time I reach it, and I remember you are gone._

_I look around this house, and I see you everywhere. I hear you everywhere. It aches and I can’t make the pain go away because there is NOTHING there._

_You are the weight upon my chest, you are the knife in my heart, and I can’t make you go away, because you’re not really here._

_I don’t want to fill the emptiness, Sherlock, only you can do that. I just want it to go away. I just want your absence to go away._

_Do you understand that, Sherlock?_

_Do you understand what I’m asking you?_

_Come home._

**_November 14 th, 1998, England._ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_I wish I could delete you, Sherlock. I wish._

_I tried. But to delete you I’d have to delete Sherrinford as well, and I can’t do that to him._

_I miss you._

**_December 23 rd, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_Mummy has put your presents under the tree._

**_December 25 th, 1998, England_ ** _._

_Dear Sherlock,_

_Merry Christmas._

_Mummy put your presents in your room._

_She says you can open them when you… when you come home._

**_December 31 st, 1998, England. _ **

_Dear Sherlock,_

_Happy New Year’s, Sherlock._

_I have a resolution for you._

_I know how you like challenges, Sherlock, so I have one for you._

_Don’t be dead!_

Q lets out a hysteric little giggle as he closes the diary, his heart aching in his chest. He frantically wipes the tears from his eyes, but stubbornly they keep falling. He gives it up as a lost cause and turns his attention to his phone, and the series of texts he received while reading. Through blurry eyes he reads them.

_Someone found my diaries._  
 _Didn’t they?_  
 _-MH_

_Don’t read them, Q.  
-MH_

_I left them behind for a_  
 _reason._  
 _-MH_

_They’ll only hurt you, Q._  
 _I promise._  
 _-MH_

_There’s nothing particularly_  
 _classified in them. You don’t_  
 _need to read them._  
 _-MH_

_Call me.  
-MH_

Q chokes on a sob as his trembling hands struggle to find the right keys to press in order to call his brother. _Wait,_ Q thinks as he finds the right buttons, _when did I start trembling?_  

 _“Q?”_ Mycroft’s voice sounds from the phone, Q hadn’t realized the call had collected. His legs give way beneath him and he collapses to the floor, phone held tight in his quivering hand.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I forgot that- I just. I’m sorry!” Q babbles into the phone, his words becoming more incoherent as breath quickens and his chest aches. “Hurts.” He gasps, hand not holding the phone clawing at his chest, his breathing coming in quicker gasps.

 _“Q. It’s alright. I promise. You have to breathe for me now, can you do that?”_ Mycroft asks, sounding so calm and collected. Q nods frantically before remembering Mycroft can’t see him.

“Yes. Of course. Of course I can! It’s just breathing! Breathing is easy.” He jabbers, laughing hysterically even as he digs his nails into his chest.

 _“Q. Hush now and breathe. In, one, two, three, out, one, two, three. In, one, two, three, out, one, two, three.”_ Mycroft says, talking Q through. Q finds himself obeying and in no time his breathing is evening out and the ache in his chest is dulling. _“Very good, Q. Don’t say anything, just breathe for a few more moments. Can you do that for me?”_

“Don’t… ask me questions, if I can’t-can’t answer them!” Q mutters, hand held flat over his chest. He closes his eyes and focuses on his breathing. Mycroft laughs on the end of the line.

 _“Sorry. You’re right, of course. I don’t know what I was thinking, must be exhaustion. Or boredom, I’ve been sighing paperwork for the last five hours. Tedious! Sherlock never has to do paperwork, maybe I’m in the wrong job…”_ Mycroft prattles on about nothing in particular for a few moments, allowing Q to regain control of his himself.

“It’s nice to hear your voice.” Q says when he has finally managed to pull himself together, cutting off whatever Mycroft is saying.

 _“It’s nice to hear your voice too, Q.”_ Mycroft replies quietly. They fall into an uneasy silence, predictably, Mycroft is the one to break it. “You’re not going to stop reading the diaries, are you?”

“No."

_"Where are you up to?"_

"98."

_"Ah. You're sure I can't convince you to let this go? "_

"I'm sure. Sherlock and Sherrinford’s are here as well. I have to read those too.”

 _“Sherlock an- I was not aware they kept diaries.”_ Mycroft murmurs, more to himself than Q.

“I don’t know if they still keep them, but they did while they were at MI6.” Q answers. He frowns as a thought strikes him. “Do you still keep a diary?”

_“No.”_

“Why not?”

_“If someone were to find them, translate them…”_

“But you said you didn’t put anything classified in them.”

_“No. But they are an insight into my person that my enemies, and many of my allies, cannot be allowed to know. When you’re done with those diaries, Q, you need to burn them or lock them away somewhere no one will ever find them.”_

“No one is ever going to be able to translate the code, Mycroft.”

 _“All codes can be cracked, Q. You should know that.”_ Q does know that, intimately. He sighs heavily and looks up at his desk, eyeing the pile of diaries he still has to read through.

“Okay. I have to go now, I’ll call you back.” He says, hanging up before Mycroft has a chance to reply. He puts the phone up on his desk. He leans his back against his desk, buries his face in his hands and breathes.

He does not know how long he sits there before he reaches up to the table and grabs the next diary, pulling it down, he opens it and starts to read.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 'Mycroft Ebeneezer Leland' comes from another little one shot thing I haven't put up here yet. It doesn't really connect with these last three stories. But I'll put it up at some point. 
> 
> M is also wondering if Paintball is bad luck...
> 
> Also, Mycroft is staying in the family home with his parents and Q when he's writing about Sherlock being dead, I don't think I made that clear... :/
> 
> Mycroft is also talking to our friend Seven from awhile back. You might have noticed that Mycroft only refers to her as Seven, the other 007s are referred to as her replacement or 007.


End file.
